


stop for a moment (and breathe)

by reliquiaen



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 10:57:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9604970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reliquiaen/pseuds/reliquiaen
Summary: prompt: “can you shut up for five minutes? please?” a roadtrip AU because of course. it was meant to be fluff but ???





	

**Author's Note:**

> today on "asuka is a hot mess and rei is a smol broken child and neither of them seem able to escape this fate even in aus"...  
> with special guest star mari makinami and a spare tire
> 
> produced by xairathan

Asuka is not ready. Not even a little bit.

She looks up when Rei taps on her door frame. “Are you packed?” she asks softly.

With a melodramatic groan, Asuka flops sideways so she’s lying curled up on the floor rather than with her back against her bed. She sort of hopes that will make Rei leave. Then again, she should know better.

“We have to go if we want to make it before night, Asuka.”

Rei: queen of logic and preparation, everyone.

“Or, how about,” she whines into the carpet. “We don’t go at all.”

“It won’t be that bad.”

She just grunts. Then after a moment, “You were there last year. This is going to be round two.”

She feels Rei’s soft hand land gently on her shoulder. “Come on. The sooner we get there, the sooner you can barricade yourself in your room and refuse to speak to anyone.”

Unbidden, a smile twitches her lips up. Slowly, and with sounds of great protestation, Asuka rolls back into an upright position. Rei isn’t smiling; her features are as unhelpfully neutral as always, in fact. Still, she offers a hand to Asuka and tugs her to her feet.

“So you’re packed?”

Asuka sighs. “Yes, I’m packed. And _fine_ let’s go.” She hoists her bag onto her shoulder and spins halfway out the door. “But I’m not happy about it.”

“Duly noted.”

 

*

 

The nice thing about their (weird and inexplicable) friendship is that Asuka talks a lot and Rei is an excellent listener. It’s not even ten minutes after they’ve loaded their things into Asuka’s faded red hatchback before she’s grumbling about the coming week. She knows all of the responses Rei could possibly shoot back at her.

It’s just a week, Asuka. They’re your family. You visit them _once_ a year, try to enjoy yourself. It’s not worth being angry the whole time.

She knows. Rei doesn’t have to say a word. It’s why this whole thing works so well.

But that’s _not_ all there is to it. It never is.

And sometimes the one week is one week too long. Especially when everything is taken into account. Everything being: the fact that while she’s there she has no easy escape from her mother; the fact that her dad has been… distant for years now; the fact that it’s just a small house with no guest bedroom. It used to be that yelling made it unbearable, but now it’s the silent stillness, the awful feeling of living in an art gallery.

She wonders why Rei even still comes with. Her family still lives in the same area, but since they moved house a couple of years ago Rei hasn’t had to share a room with her brother. Rei had explained that she would much rather share a room with Asuka than use the same bunk bed she and Shinji had used since they were five. A fair point, sure, but the new Ayanami house had four bedrooms. Honestly, if Asuka thought she could get away with it, she’d stay with them.

Almost the full first hour of their trip Asuka filled with a verbal pros and cons list for just this possibility.

“No cold shoulder from my dad,” she sighs. “Definitely a pro. No nagging from my mother, also a pro.”

“She loves you,” Rei tells her without looking up from her book. “It’s why she nags.”

Asuka sucks in a deep breath. “Your mum loves you and she doesn’t nag. Why can’t mine be the same? Just one year I’d like to not have to answer to the Spanish Inquisition.”

Rei remains silent. Mostly because she really can’t argue with that, Asuka’s sure.

“Actually, your mum is lovely,” she continues. “I bet it’d actually feel like a holiday staying with you guys. Except maybe for Shinji.”

And that’s how their trip progresses. Asuka complains and Rei keeps mostly mum on all topics raised. At least until Asuka gets sick of complaining, (a rarity) and decides instead to sing loudly along to the songs on the radio. Rei switches from reading to staring out the window, though Asuka is sure she joins in softly.

Until their tire pops.

Everything was going just fine, (fine being relative she supposes) exactly how it always goes. But breaking down? In the middle of _nowhere_?

Asuka slams the door harshly as launches herself out of the driver’s seat. And there’s no spare tire. Of fucking course there isn’t. Just her luck. She slams the boot lid too.

Rei has gotten out too and is standing on the edge of the hot asphalt with a hand shading her eyes. Asuka huffs and slumps until her forehead is resting on Rei’s shoulder. She thinks maybe Rei tenses, flinches, but no, that’s highly improbable.

“There’s no spare,” she mumbles.

“I’ll call Mari.”

When Rei slides away from her though, that’s odd. She rounds the car as she pulls her phone from her pocket. Probably to get out of the sun. It’s a good call.

Asuka has never claimed to be very good at reading people and will never claim something so absurd. But as she walks towards Rei she feels like there’s something… wrong. Normally, Rei is the one who is perpetually relaxed and Asuka stands like a spring coiled too tightly for too long. But she’s watching Rei, the way her shoulders are tensed up around her ears, how she’s holding her phone, the other hand jammed awkwardly into her pocket.

She feels the defeated slump of her own shoulders and instinctively knows this isn’t right.

When Rei hangs up, that’s when Asuka crosses the space to join her in the shade of the lonely tree by the road. She’s probably lucky she managed to pull the car over where she did, honestly.

Carefully, she bumps gently into Rei. “You okay?”

“Fine.” Asuka is almost certain she doesn’t imagine when Rei shifts slightly away from her. “Mari’s on her way.”

She turns, lifting a hand, but doesn’t actually touch Rei. She wants to. But she doesn’t. She knows how Rei is about her personal space and she’s not entirely awful. “No seriously, Ayanami. What?”

Rei doesn’t meet her eyes, just looks away, tucking her elbows a little closer to her sides. Asuka can feel her frustration levels rising but she knows (from years of practice) that exploding won’t help. So she just waits. And she slides her hands into the back pockets of her jeans to prevent them from turning into fists.

They stand there in silence for several minutes but if Asuka is anything, it’s stubborn. She will not let this go. And Rei – bless her – knows this.

Eventually she sort of, loosens a little. Rei doesn’t actually sigh but it’s something similar. Then she says, “I think I’m going to stay with my family this year.”

Asuka blinks.

She just stares at Rei, uncomprehending. There are a bunch of emotions fighting for her attention but Asuka ignores them all. That, too, has come with practice.

“You… are you…? Why?”

And really that’s the only question that matters.

Rei still won’t look at her. Her shoulders come up again and then fall, but Asuka has no idea if it’s a shrug or a defensive gesture or what. It’s not frustration anymore making her hands twitch. It’s fear.

This time, when she reaches for Rei’s elbow she can’t pull back. And Rei flinches at the touch.

“Rei?”

The fear bubbles higher, boils into panic. Not fear that she’ll be trapped alone with her parents for a week – she won’t, not even if Rei isn’t in the same house – but an altogether deeper fear. The kind that stems from years of losing people, of learning to be distant, of finally letting someone in because they said they’d _stay_. The fear of losing that constant.

Fear that maybe Rei wouldn’t stay after all.

She circles, hand moving up Rei’s arm to her shoulder as she goes. “Rei?”

Finally (finally), Rei meets her eyes.

“I can’t stay with you.”

The bottom drops out of Asua’s stomach. Unfortunately, the cauldron of emotions it had been brewing does not go with it. They stick in between her ribs, hot and painful.

“Not at your parents’ place, not in the same room,” Rei slowly clarifies. “I… _can’t_.” She looks away again. For a second, Asuka thinks she’s crying.

Her mouth works but no sound comes out. Fair enough, probably, Asuka doesn’t know what she’d say if she could. Very gently, Rei moves away from Asuka’s hand and somehow, the absence of that contact stings.

“Are you…?” Are you what? Asuka doesn’t know. “Do you need… um…?” Asuka has no words.

The watery half smile that Rei points in her general direction speaks to exactly how impressive that is. Asuka is never without words.

Rei still won’t meet her gaze; she’s looking off somewhere past Asuka’s left shoulder, over the road, into the sky, space, whatever. “I can’t… be that close… anymore.”

“What’s with the cryptic riddles, Ayanami?” Asuka demands, aware that a thread of her annoyance shows through in her tone. “Just spit it out. We’ve probably talked through worse. Like, I know I’m _bad_ at the whole… emotions or whatever. But c’mon.” It’s the anger more than anything else that finally provides her with something to say.

For a second, Asuka thinks even that was too much. But when Rei’s eyes drift over to meet hers there’s a spark in them. Something fierce that Rei keeps tamped down low and hidden away. She very slowly draws a breath through her teeth, long and measured. And when she exhales, so much goes with it.

Including, “I can’t be that close to you without wondering if you’d hate me…” A flicker of fear clouds the determination for a moment and then Rei seems to run out of steam. “I _love_ you, Asuka,” she breathes, and turns away again, walls up.

It takes a long, long instant and then relief is flooding through her, plugging up the hole where her stomach once lived.

“Oh that’s all,” she huffs, bumping gently into Rei’s shoulder. “I thought it was something serious. Like… you were dying.”

It’s probably her flippant tone that spins Rei around again, eyes wide like she has no idea what Asuka means. “Isn’t this serious?” she asks, voice small.

“No?” Asuka thinks about that and changes her mind. “Actually, yeah, kinda. But not in the way you’re thinking. You’re being kind of dramatic, honestly. Didn’t know you had it in you.”

“Can you shut up for five seconds?”

Asuka blinks, teeth clicking together. Did Rei just…? She had no clue Rei even knew how to put words like that together. She supposes, though, it did the job, because she did in fact stop speaking.

Rei, however, doesn’t fill the quiet. Not for a good long time anyway. Asuka is too stunned to try and say something, but eventually Rei does mumble, “Do you understand what I meant?”

She shrugs. “I guess so, how many ways are there to understand that?”

“It’s not…” Rei’s brow furrows and it’s simultaneously the cutest and worst thing Asuka has ever witnessed. She can’t seem to find the right words though.

Asuka’s hand lifts of its own accord and she smooths her thumb across her cheek. “I know what you meant,” Asuka tells her, softer this time, quiet.

“But do you _understand_?” Rei has never looked as small or as fragile as she does in this moment.

She tilts her head. “Do I understand how it feels to share a bed with you? For a week? In a small room? Do I understand how much it hurts that you’re so close and not close enough? To pretend it does nothing to me? Yes, Rei. I _understand_.”

The crease on Rei’s brow – if anything – deepens. “What?”

Asuka huffs. “Didn’t I just tell you I’m bad at emotions? What do you want me to do? I suck at saying it, so…?” She runs a hand over her hair, messing it up and shaking a few strands free of her bun.

After a little longer of Rei staring at her blankly she decides mentally (with an internal _fuck it_ ) and leans over to ghost her lips against the corner of Rei’s mouth. She’s totally unsurprised when Rei starts backwards.

Asuka can see the cogs turning behind Rei’s warm eyes, the thoughts, the calculations. They’re still very close, painfully, agonisingly close and Asuka wonders whether her stomach will collapse a second time today. Then the gears in Rei’s hyperactive brain click to a conclusion and she tips her head ever so slightly to one side.

Then – taking Asuka one hundred percent by surprise – she leans forward to kiss her. It takes a little bit for Asuka’s brain to catch up with what’s happening, but when she does she doesn’t waste her time. Her fingers whisper against Rei’s jaw and she feels the answering shiver. Feels Rei’s fingers tangle into the hem of her shirt.

Asuka pulls back then, holds up a hand and says, “Wait. That was what you meant, right?”

Rei rolls her eyes. “Yes, Asuka.”

“Okay good. That would’ve been weird otherwise.”

Rei still has a loose hold on her shirt and is fiddling with the fabric. “And… you didn’t say anything…?”

It’s a question. Asuka has known Rei long enough at this point to be able to fill in those blanks. When Asuka smiles it’s soft and sheepish. “And again, bad at emotions? What do you want to hear? That I was so mad about caring that I bottled it up? I do it with everything else; it shouldn’t be a shock at this point.”

Her words are casual, but Rei knows her better than to believe things at face value. “That’s not healthy.”

“Says _you_ ,” Asuka points out, a little harsher than she meant. “Miss ‘I’ll just distance myself and it’ll all be okay in the end’. Really?”

Red creeps across Rei’s nose. “Okay.”

With a tired sigh, Asuka slides down to sit leaning against the tree. She pats the dry grass beside her and watches for Mari’s car. After a beat, Rei joins her.

“Stay with your mum.”

She feels when Rei starts. “Why?”

Asuka only shrugs. “You shouldn’t be uncomfortable.”

Rei lifts an eyebrow ever so slightly, lips compressed but tilted upwards. It’s a very ‘Rei’ way of expressing amusement and confusion together. “The reason I said I’d stay with mum was that I didn’t want _you_ to be uncomfortable.”

“I wouldn’t be.” It’s more defensive than she means it to be but whatever.

“Asuka.” Her voice is so soft, so gentle. Asuka looks over at her. “Do you want me to stay?”

She thinks about it for a moment before answering. This is not common for Asuka so the way Rei’s expression crumples up with every second isn’t so weird. “Actually,” she eventually decides. “I’d like to stay with you.”

“Oh.”

Asuka watches her face, the way the warm breeze lifts her hair and how the thoughts glitter in her eyes. She’s so stupid. Not Rei, god, Rei is anything but stupid. Carefully, Asuka leans over and kisses her cheek.

She lingers, and Rei turns. Their noses bump and Asuka smiles. “You know, it’s moments like this that I actually feel bad for how much I suck at the whole… emotions thing.”

Rei’s fingers find her face and whisper across the skin, Asuka’s eyes close as if in response to the touch. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” she sighs. “It’s not; because you deserve someone who can tell you.”

“Do you?”

“… _Yes_.”

“Good.” And then Rei’s kissing her and Asuka thinks she really doesn’t deserve this at all. But Rei seems to feel otherwise. And who is she to argue?

A horn blasts loudly and they fly apart. Like damn high schoolers, what the hell?

“Get a room!”

Mari has arrived, of course she has. Asuka flips her off and stands. “We had a whole paddock until you showed up!”

“I brought you a tire, you ungrateful wretch.”

“Good, being useful for once. Get the tire jack.”

Mari fans her face (more dramatically than she needs to probably because of distance). “And chip a nail?”

“As if you have any nail to chip.” Asuka starts stalking towards her, already sorting through some choice insults. Then she pauses and looks over to see what Rei’s doing. She’s just standing there, in the shade, with an unusually soft smile on her face.

“Hurry up, princess; I don’t have all damn day.”

“Shut up. Did you get the jack?”

Mari just stands in front of her wearing an obnoxious grin. So Asuka sighs and shoves her out of the way. It takes a moment but Rei does eventually join them. Mari’s a lot softer with her, but at least Rei _helps_ change the tire. Mari just stands there. Asuka seriously considers busting one of her tires just so she’ll have to do it.

Really it doesn’t take them long and then they’re on the move again. Mostly in silence this time. Something new and different.

Although when some cheesy pop song comes on the radio, Asuka doesn’t hesitate to turn it up and sing along. Singing ‘I love yous’ in lyrics is different, probably doesn’t count. And she pretends it doesn’t, not looking at Rei once the whole time.

But she knows Rei is smiling beside her anyway. Knows she gets it.

They’ve known each other long enough by now.

She spends the whole holiday week at Yui’s house.

And? It doesn’t completely suck.


End file.
